by Candice Petty, Esq.
As a little girl that dreamed of one day becoming an attorney, I was always told that I would have to be twice as smart, and work twice as hard as my classmates. So I was and I did. And it paid off. I went to the best schools, worked at top firms, and at 31, by all accounts, I have “made it.” In the courtroom, my (old, white, male) opposing counsel once told me I was “hostile and aggressive.” I took it as a compliment, especially after prevailing at the hearing. However, the same passion, fervor and intensity that have resulted in this success doesn’t seem to bode so well in my relationships.
Today’s young, professional Black woman is independent, fiercely determined and self-assured. But outside of the courtroom or boardroom, these same attributes take on a negative connotation. Instead of “assertive,” we are “abrasive.” Instead of “confident” we are “demanding” and “bitchy”. The pantsuits we put on to conquer the legal, medical and business worlds have supposedly stripped us of our delicate femininity. But wait! What about all the songs on the radio praising “independent women”? Listen a little more closely. What is really being coveted is the same overvaluation of consumerism and ostentatious displays of wealth that have forever plagued the Black culture. Music entertainers wax poetic about how this girl “be killen ‘em” and how she is both “book and street smart.” But when confronted with the Amazon/Michelle Obama archetype, the Jezebel/Kardashian ideal is always chosen instead. Kim Kardashian is praised as a beautiful, rich, and smart businesswoman that has made herself into a marketable and highly profitable brand. Her success and ability to provide for herself were accomplished within the confines of the Jezebel ideal – she only became famous after her “leaked” sex tape and most of her notoriety is because of her appearance. It’s also worth noting that she isn’t too smart, intimidating or assertive. She remained a Jezebel, and in doing so, never stepped outside of that feminine ideal. It’s not the appearance of success or wealth that’s the problem – what seems to be the roadblock for Black women is the notion that in achieving our success, we have completely discarded the traditional gender roles. We are perceived to be doing everything men do – and better.
So, are we required to check our personas at the door once we step foot inside the home, take off the pantsuit, and put on an apron? Should we have to? In all fairness, I do believe that maintaining a successful relationship requires a totally different skill set and approach than is required to shatter the glass ceiling. But can a Black woman be strong, assertive and independent and also be seen as an ideal wife? For awhile, we had Michelle Obama as our proof that this was possible. She was our ray of hope, our shining example that we too could go to Harvard Law School, be an ambitious career woman and also marry a successful, attractive Black man that would one day become President. But now, her novelty has worn off and her j Crew outfits are no longer flying off the shelves. If Michelle is no longer the solution to all of our ills, what hope is there? I don’t have the answer, and I’m not sure that there is one. But I do know that achieving career success and getting married are not mutually exclusive. We have redefined what it is to be feminine, we haven’t stepped outside of it. This in and of itself is proof that we can continue to evolve and reconcile this apparent conflict. After all, the pendulum has to swing from one extreme to the next before coming to rest in the middle. And it will be up to us to give it that last push.
***
Candice Petty is an attorney practicing in California’s Silicon Valley.
